Wednesday, November 23, 2016

At the Trump Thangsgiving Table


The Don: Now, I know you want to say it, but this year I'm going to do it for you. "Big Papa Trump, we want to give thanks to you for a wonderful year." There, you make me feel so good. What's that Barron?

Barron: Big Papa, I don't want to move to DC. All my friends are in NYC.

The Don: Melania didn't you talk to the little Sniffler about this?

Melania: Vell, yes Ding Don. Ve said ve vould go to Vashington. Ve can visit New York on ze veekends.

Barron: But I won't have my own wing with my own entertainment room and my own servant and Big Papa, there are a lot of black people in DC.

Ivanka: Barrie don't talk like that. Daddy is the President. He represents all people.

Barron: Sure, but Big Papa said we'd never have to move to Washington.

The Don: I said a lot of things over the last six months that I didn't mean. Suck it up son or you'll be out on the street.

Melania: Don Juan don't scare little Barron. He's never set foot on any street.

Ivanka: That's so true. But let's eat.

The Don: I agree. We have a great bird this year. It's a big league bird. A one-of-a-kind bird. And I know turkeys. They love me. Let's toast to me.

Eric: To the Biggest Papa with the biggest bankroll!

All: Here. Here.

Tiffany: Big Papa, I know you like Ivanka more than me but do you think I could be a ten?

Ivanka: Daddy likes you just as much as me.

The Don: Ivanka, I tell it like it is. You would make a good date. Tiffany, well, she needs some work, but as a connoisseur of beauty, I know how to do it. It's like construction and I know how to build things. Tiffany dear, we'll get you over to Dr. Schnittartz this weekend. He did a marvelous job with Melania. Ain't that right sweetie.

Melania: He tightened me just right. He has a vay vith zee knife.

The Don: Tiff dear you might not get to a ten, but an eight ain't bad. Like in construction, you got to work with the materials you have. Junior, go down to the wine cellar and grab two bottles of the 2007 Bruno Giacosa. Isn't that the one you told me to buy, Jared?

Donald, Jr.: Big Papa. Can't Eric do it? I have to do it every year.

Eric: That's because it coincides with your skill level.

Donald, Jr.: Remember when I told you we're adopted? Well, it's true.

Eric: You can't adopt my brain. It comes directly from Big Papa.

The Don: Just get the wine and stop complaining. You're in the will for now, but who knows what I might be thinking next year.

Jared: Sir, I need to step away. You know, investments come before family.

The Don: But of course. And money comes before feelings. Actually, the feel of money comes before feelings. The more you show; the more you grow, financially, of course. What are we having for desert?

Melania: Your favorite, pumpkin cheesecake.

Barron: I hate that stuff. It makes me sick.

The Don: I've about had it with you. I'm going to take the game system out of your car and tell your driver that there will be no stops at Serendipity after school. No handouts in this family. Hard work is the American way. I made my millions from the ground up and that's why we can sit atop this tower. If you don't straighten up, the way down can be very swift.

Barron: Because you're the President-Elect, can't you elect to move the White House to Central Park.

The Don: That's your first good idea of the day! You might be become a real Trump after all.






Monday, November 21, 2016

The Don Goes Ding

At the top of the Trump Tower, NYC

The Don: Ok Mikey, I know you're busy with the transition and I know transitions. Did I ever tell you the one about Marla? Well remind me next time. It was bigly.

Mike Pence: What did you want me for Your High Tower.

The Don: Glad you remembered to call me by my new nom de guerre. I think it has a nice ring and is great for marketing. And who says I don't have rapport with the French. They love me.

Mike Pence: Whatever you say sir, but I'm working on defense issues and just want to know why I'm here.

The Don: Don't get edgy with me Mikey or I'll have you deported back to those Indiana cornfields. I made you and remember that. What I want you to do or have someone with a brain do is take a look at our national holidays and find some new winners. We have the worst holidays and I want to make holidays great again.

Mike Pence: That's high on your list? We have a lot of appointments to make.

The Don: Mikey quit whining. If you can't keep up maybe you should get some bennies and feel like I do. Anyway, I'm think we can replace MLK day with KKK day. It works--three vowels each way.

Mike Pence: Consonants, sir.

The Don: Continents, right. I have businesses on each one except the one with all the ice. Only penguins go there and they won't pay for a damn thing. It's not a place for women in bikinis and I know women in bikinis. They love me. Everyone loves me.
  Now what was I talking about. Holidays. Right. MLK to KKK. We can rename all MLK Boulevards to KKK Avenues, making them one-way of course. Remember under budget and on time.
  Then, we can rename Prsident's Day to Trump Day. I am President so there's a nice, what do you call it, synergy, that's it, synergy to it.
  I haven't thought of all of them, but Columbus Day bothers me. That guy was the first immigrant and basically he started the flow of illegals. He's one big loser in my book. Did you read my book, Mikey?

Mike Pence: The Cliff Notes version.

The Don: I strung a number of good words together. You know what they say about a lot of monkeys at keyboards. They'll eventually write "The Art of the Deal." Well, I know how to hire monkeys. I'm the best at it. So get someone on those holidays.

Mike Pence: Of course, Your High Tower. I'll find someone in coal country. That'll be a win-win. Can we go over another issue?

The Don: Why sure Mikey, shoot, but not at me. Get it?

Mike Pence: We need to look at Secretary of the Interior. Have any ideas?

The Don: Mikey, I think you should check with Melania on that one. She does all the decorating around here and I am all in with her tastes. Just keep it under budget and on time! Got that Mikey?

Mike Pence: Yes, Your High Tower. We'll get it done.

The Don: Anything else Mikey?

Mike Pence: No, I think I've had enough for today.

The Don: Terrific, Mikey. Send in Scott Baio on your way out. I'm thinking of Secretary of Entertainment for him. We can bring back "Happy Days." My supporters are all for it. Do you know what that Fonz dude is up to? I always had a thing for Joanie. Maybe we can get her a special position in the White House.

Mike Pence: I'll look into it.