At the Trump Thangsgiving Table
The Don: Now, I know you want to say it, but this year I'm going to do it for you. "Big Papa Trump, we want to give thanks to you for a wonderful year." There, you make me feel so good. What's that Barron?
Barron: Big Papa, I don't want to move to DC. All my friends are in NYC.
The Don: Melania didn't you talk to the little Sniffler about this?
Melania: Vell, yes Ding Don. Ve said ve vould go to Vashington. Ve can visit New York on ze veekends.
Barron: But I won't have my own wing with my own entertainment room and my own servant and Big Papa, there are a lot of black people in DC.
Ivanka: Barrie don't talk like that. Daddy is the President. He represents all people.
Barron: Sure, but Big Papa said we'd never have to move to Washington.
The Don: I said a lot of things over the last six months that I didn't mean. Suck it up son or you'll be out on the street.
Melania: Don Juan don't scare little Barron. He's never set foot on any street.
Ivanka: That's so true. But let's eat.
The Don: I agree. We have a great bird this year. It's a big league bird. A one-of-a-kind bird. And I know turkeys. They love me. Let's toast to me.
Eric: To the Biggest Papa with the biggest bankroll!
All: Here. Here.
Tiffany: Big Papa, I know you like Ivanka more than me but do you think I could be a ten?
Ivanka: Daddy likes you just as much as me.
The Don: Ivanka, I tell it like it is. You would make a good date. Tiffany, well, she needs some work, but as a connoisseur of beauty, I know how to do it. It's like construction and I know how to build things. Tiffany dear, we'll get you over to Dr. Schnittartz this weekend. He did a marvelous job with Melania. Ain't that right sweetie.
Melania: He tightened me just right. He has a vay vith zee knife.
The Don: Tiff dear you might not get to a ten, but an eight ain't bad. Like in construction, you got to work with the materials you have. Junior, go down to the wine cellar and grab two bottles of the 2007 Bruno Giacosa. Isn't that the one you told me to buy, Jared?
Donald, Jr.: Big Papa. Can't Eric do it? I have to do it every year.
Eric: That's because it coincides with your skill level.
Donald, Jr.: Remember when I told you we're adopted? Well, it's true.
Eric: You can't adopt my brain. It comes directly from Big Papa.
The Don: Just get the wine and stop complaining. You're in the will for now, but who knows what I might be thinking next year.
Jared: Sir, I need to step away. You know, investments come before family.
The Don: But of course. And money comes before feelings. Actually, the feel of money comes before feelings. The more you show; the more you grow, financially, of course. What are we having for desert?
Melania: Your favorite, pumpkin cheesecake.
Barron: I hate that stuff. It makes me sick.
The Don: I've about had it with you. I'm going to take the game system out of your car and tell your driver that there will be no stops at Serendipity after school. No handouts in this family. Hard work is the American way. I made my millions from the ground up and that's why we can sit atop this tower. If you don't straighten up, the way down can be very swift.
Barron: Because you're the President-Elect, can't you elect to move the White House to Central Park.
The Don: That's your first good idea of the day! You might be become a real Trump after all.