Monday, September 12, 2016

Trump Defends His Deplorables
Part 11

Miss Peeps: Yes, Mr. Trump, I heard what Hillary said about your "deplorable" supporters. And I do understand you wouldn't ask them to dinner and you don't want to rub elbows with them at the corner bar. In fact, you are afraid to shake hands with them without a bottle of hand sanitizer within reach. I'll work it out.

Howie Destin: We need to reply.

Miss Peeps:  Mr. Trump is really hurt because the reference cuts to the core of his prospective voters. He might not be quite like them but they like him and they frequent his casinos and might get into one of his hotels if they win some drawing. His golf courses are out of bounds, if you know what I mean.

Howie Destin: But we can make him look like a man of the little people--the forgotten masses of white Americans who toiled to build this country and who were thrown under the bus by Washington.

Miss Peeps: Wow, it sounds like you really believe that.

Howie Destin: For the money I'm getting paid, I'd believe Hillary Clinton is an alien put on earth to destroy the world.

Miss Peeps: Oh I like that one. We might use it in late October. I'm sure we can bribe a scientist to prove it. But back to the present situation. Even though most of those who Hillary dissed don't know what the word she used means, I see a great opening. We'll get one of those Duck Dynasty clan interviewed and make sure his says the following:

"I ain't no ways what Lyin' Hillary done gone and said. I is a true American like Mr. Trump who done gived jobs to a whole bunch of my friends. Most of that woman candidate's supporters ain't deplorable but sure is deportable. Damn right they is. I had one who used to bait my hook with night crawlers but got uppity and wanted me to pay him. These here swamplands have secrets and he's now one of them."

Howie Destin: That's so cool. We can have Fox do an in-depth interview with the guy showing his down-home dwelling and family. Maybe Trump could fly in for a quick appearance of support.

Miss Peeps: Possibly a flyover during which he could drop some "Make America Great Again" caps, but don't expect any close encounters. Trump isn't going to get his Ferragamos all muddied up for that geazer. I mean if he actually landed, he might get a Zika bite.

Howie Destin: That would screw things up. Still, in another way, we could say Trump got bitten by a mosquito that had the Zika strain, but the mosquito died on contact with the Don and his All-American blood repelled the virus like he would ISIS or we could link Zika to the immigrant issue. When Trump is elected he'll build a giant mosquito net over the country and Brazil will pay for it.

Miss Peeps: Whoa. Did you just come up with that or did you know Trump's secret plan all along?

Monday, September 5, 2016

Trump Dumps on Losers

Part 11

Miss Peeps: Howie. I think it's working. We had Don II go to Mexico and sound presidential. Then the real Don came out against all immigration. It was stellar. We confused everyone, even the real Don.

Howie Destin: Now we're gong to roll out Don III with a speech that will make the real Don look like a softie.

Miss Peeps: So let's review the talk Don III is going to give in Jacksonville.  

Howie Destin: OK. Here goes. (Begins reading from prepared speech.)

Dear Tanfastic Americans --'I might just buy the Jaguars and make them the best team in the world. I know football, real football, not that stuff losers play with their feet. What's with that? I have a plan to ban all foreign sports from America. All field hockey players will be deported on day one, immediately. Soccer players are history on day one, too. Hurlers, cricketers, and handballers will follow. We'll keep baseball but all foreign-born players will be deported on day one. They're criminals and batterers.  We need more jobs for Americans. Real Americans. 

I call this extreme vetting. We'll start in first grade. If someone doesn't have a winning attitude, we'll get him out of this great land and his parents will go too, and the country we've decided to send them to will pay for the air fair. Immediately. Pronto. No questions asked. If we have any problems I'll despatch a seal team and Kenya or Brazil or the Czech Republic will fork over the cash immediately, in the blink of an eye. We don't need weak links. The exodus will be my day-two item.

Greatness starts with an exit sign for pussies. If your in jail, you're out. I'll buy a country on day three, immediately. There're several I've already talked with. A few bucks to a few people and presto, a penal colony. This ain't your daddy's Guantanamo. Too small. Too little. Too unTrump. If you have a cat, we'll send it crating with you. I know a pussy when I see one. After all, I'm a tremendous businessman. 

We'll clean up. We'll sanitize. We'll bleach. I'm calling this project inner city blues. This is my day four task. It's reverse shipping. I'll have the army go into big cities and round up the criminal element. Promptly. Right away. No questions asked. We'll load them on ships and send them packing. Not with guns because we'll have them strip searched and have all valuables confiscated. Then, we'll have a National Tag Sale. It'll be a boon to the economy. Mark my word. Evanka will run this. She's a super seller. One look at her, and you'll be crying to pay for something.

Then it's time to get rid of the intellectual cry babies. Anyone who has a higher IQ than me is gone, and I have a superior IQ--investment quagmire. Mark it down. These brainiacs are ruining our great land with science and reason. They'll be outta chances and places to live. We'll give them the patriotic final exam and flunk them on American flag etiquette. Auf Widersehn,  Sayonara. Ciao. We'll put 'em all on a freighter and lose it a sea! Instantaneously. Day five done. 

I have a super libido and will keep on trucking. Day six is for rainbow warriors. These folks who march in favor of gay pride can be proud in someplace like France or Canada. I'll have the paperwork on my desk and sign it at the strike of midnight when those phonies' silver shoes will come off. We'll take them barefoot to the nearest airport and ticket them for parts outside the US. We won't let them stopover in Hawaii. No rest for the wicked. Gone promptly. They can wear their tie-dye and die elsewhere. I know what gay is, and this isn't the nineties anymore. 

Then,  I'm going to rest on day seven. Melania and I are going to party in the West Wing. She just loves whipped cream and I'm a big fan of cherries. We'll mix it up because I'm an expert on mix ups. I'll accuse every world leader of being soft on the issues and denounce their cream cheese policies. I promise you that and Donald Trump keeps his promises. I'll tell you that. In a week, this country will start being great again just like me and I know greatness. I see it in the mirror every morning.

Thank you gator nation and go out and slug someone for Trump.

Miss Peeps: We're living the Trump dream. Hillary is having nightmares.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Tripling the Fun: The Trumps Keep Growing
Part 10

At the Yellco cave.

Ricki Yellco: I’m so disappointed. The RNC came to Cleveland and the only thing I got was a parking ticket. I just hope to get some clearance items at the damn Republican’s website. I’m sure those Trump items will be available after he opens his mouth a few more times. The DNC will be doing a sale, too, except their convention t-shirt is powder blue. Not my color.

Doc Roccous: The Dems seem to like the softer look. It goes well with rainbows. The Republicans are all about strong reds and blues, except they have got to be feeling way too blue this year. The Don is killing them. Though, his supporters would follow him off a cliff. But knowing the Trumpster, he’d have a parachute on. He’d float away watching lots of white men plunge into the abyss.

Peter Shaman: A wise businessman.

Ricki Yellco: So are we going to continue to go out with Tom Montana? He is now a Trump supporter.

Doc Roccous: He might come out of it, but we can’t dis him just because he has a different view. This is America after all and even Ted Crud says to vote your conscience.

Peter Shaman: Well in his case it might be half a conscience or something more subterranean.

Ricki Yellco: Yea, you’re right. Politics is pretty private in the end and it shouldn’t get in the way of friendships. But if he wears any Trump paraphernalia, I can’t say I’m going to go into battle with him.

Peter Shaman: Exactly, just like a designated buffer. Remove the threat before the threatening gets out of hand. 

Ricki Yellco: So we should expect him to be in our bowling league again. I mean knocking down pins takes precedent over marital bliss. I’d rather bowl a 300-game than do it with Evanka.

Doc Roccous: Woa, it’s way too early for making those kinds of decisions. I need lunch first before contemplating fame and sex.

On the campaign trail

Miss Peeps: Yes, Mr. Trump. I understand you’ve appointed me campaign advisor. Well, I did say to stay away from remarking about the DNC. You just couldn’t because you know Muslims and Muslims love you. They support you 100%. OK, we’ll work something out. (Hangs up phone.)

Howie Destin: You know we have to do something to re-establish the man as a viable candidate.

Miss Peeps: I know how we can up the campaign ante and stop the Hillary hoopla. We're going to hire some Trump doubles. That way we'll get even more coverage and the American voters won't know which Trump to believe and Hillary will have to answer more accusations than ever.

Howie Destin: Miss Peeps that's one awesome idea. We'll get on it right away.

Miss Peeps: Great. When you have the people, we'll send the around to the following events. The real Trump can keep his abnormal schedule. We'll need three impersonators. And just think, if one of them seems better, gets better numbers, we can switch him out with the real Don. Let's call this our Don Con action plan.

Howie Destin: So, where will the other Dons be headed.

Miss Peeps: Don I will appear on NBC Today to talk 19th Amendment on August 26 which is Women's Equality Day.

Howie Destin: He can say he knows the 19th Amendment like the casino business--sometimes when you roll the dice, a ten comes up and you hire her because she has the right qualifications. If you get snake eyes, well she loses. That’s equality by rule of the jungle, and it’s a jungle out there. Every white, old geezer understands beauty is in the eye of the beholden to Trump.

Miss Peeps: Then we send Don II to Fox on September 17.

Howie Destin: Perfect--Constitution day. Don II can say he's memorized the document and highlight a few key phrases. "Right to bear arms and bodies;" "Promote the general welfare of the rich and famous;" "The President shall have the power to fill up all vacancies with his family and closest friends;" and "The President shall be Commander in Chief and get to push the little red button when necessary or on a whim." We can have him confirm that he’ll uphold the Bill of Whites.

Miss Peeps: This is going to be fun. If you can't convince them, confuse them. As for Don III, we've got a special treat for the country. He's going to show up at a McDonald's in Akron, OH on 9/18.

Howie Destin: What?

Miss Peeps: It's National Cheeseburger day.

Howie Destin: We’ll have him down a quarter pounder with cheese and say how Hillary eats crackers and caviar and is out of touch with the American people. Then, he'll buy the place cheeseburgers and hand them out with “Make America Great” caps. He'll say he knows cheeseburgers like the American electorate. When it comes to November, the people don't care about the bun and toppings, they want a red-blooded piece of meet--the Trump prime cut.

Miss Peeps: Exactly. Not a grilled-cheese Hillary.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Trump Picks His Speakers

Part 9

Trump Picks His Convention Speakers

Miss Peeps at home. Her phone rings.

Miss Peeps: Yes, Mr. Trump. You can run something by me. I am sorry a lot of Republicans won't make the trip to the convention. Well, maybe they didn't think what you said about them was a joke. No, Mr. Trump I can't tell you if I use a body sponge when I shower. Please Mr. Trump what did you call for, and I'm not going to install a camera in my shower stall.

You wanted to get my opinion about some possible guest speakers. I'm not an expert, but will give you my opinion. You don't have to send me anything. No, I don't need a new bikini. Please, just tell me who you have in mind. I have a dinner date. No, with a few girlfriends. I'm not seeing anyone at the moment.

You want a dog to start out. But Rin-Tin-Tin can't speak, if you know what I mean. You got a translator. From Craigslist. And the guy is legit. You asked the dog if he was a Trump supporter? The dog barked an answer and the translator said Rin-Tin-Tin confirmed he was in your camp, and he would bite Lyin' Hillary. And you know dogs and bitches, too. The translator has a degree in dog whispering from Trump Academy. Well, I guess he must be well versed in the finer points of dog talk. The dog can even bark the national anthem. That'll be a show stopper.

Who? He's a cartoon character. But Robin Williams is dead. You didn't know that. You'll find someone else. I guess Popeye does represent many of your constituents. Strong. Has an enemy named Abu Hassan. Likes to punch out his opponents. Looks good in white. Is white! I guess you do have a point. I'm not sure if he is a Republican. No matter, you'll run Popeye for president ( to get the crowd rolling in the aisles and then after it's over bring on your next speaker.

Huh? Meta World Peace. To show you're a friend of the blacks and because you might make him Secretary of State. No, I don't remember what he said. He said, "Wow. Can't believe those black on black crimes in Africa. Why can't they get along and be a great nation." Took the words right out of your mouth. Describes our country and how to make it great again, and to boot you think basketball is basically indentured servitude. I wouldn't go that far. You're trying to get Donald Sterling, too. You see him as perfect for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. They could tag team it on stage like Archie Bunker and Lionel Jefferson. I don't think Kobe would agree to be the MC.

Then you'd bring on a real crowd pleaser, Tila Tequila. What is that? She has it all--great body, great body, and great body. And she can also sing some and has been working on a song for the convention called "Don't think twice; Trump's all right." It'll shoot to number one with a bullet from the NRA. She has a stage presence that's what? Extremely bold in its rawness. That says a lot...and what? And shows a whole lot more. No, I won't send you that kind of selfie.

Anyone else? I have to go soon. No you don't have to send a limo, I can drive myself. You wanted to get a Brexit supporter, but they all have decided to slink away. You'd never do that. You're a man of your word, even if you make them up on the spur of the moment. It shows your creative side. So the final speaker will be God. You are kidding. You're not kidding. Trump knows the divines so God said he'd make a special appearance for you. Yes, I heard he works in strange ways, but this is very unusual. I'm sure he'd convince many undecided voters. You're just not sure how he's going to appear. You'll leave that up to him. What? In case he doesn't show, you had your people book Buddha. Don't you think God knows all. What? Oh he's been really busy lately and this will probably slip by unless Peter gets involved, but he won't be back from vacation until the day of the convention.

I told you, I can't see you while you're in town. I have way too many events planned and many more to plan to fill up any free time when you'd be available to meet. Yes, I do hope it works out. You know Rock-n-Roll. I do think the family will like the museum. No, it's a safer area of town. Bye, Mr. Trump, and I'm not going to Fedex you a pair of my undies. That's just uncalled for.

Sitting outside the Whippy-Dip Dairy Freeze

Tom Montana: I just can't vote for a two-women ticket.

Doc Roccous: Is this what happens after you get married against your will?

Tom Montana: No, just think. What if they have their periods on the same day?

Ricki Yellco: I think they're both well past that point in their lives.

Peter Shaman: A point his marriage hasn't come to yet. This is why conservatives don't want anyone to learn about sex education.

Tom Montana: And anyway, it takes them too long to go to the bathroom. That's why guys are better at war. We can whip it out an piss anywhere.

Doc Roccous: Even in our pants.

Ricki Yellco:What kind of vows did you take? Next thing you'll tell me is you're voting for Trump.

Tom Montana: My wife and I discussed it, and it was part of the pre-nuptial agreement. I promised to vote for Trump this go-around and she promised to have sex with me at least once a month. I thought that was fair.

Peter Sharman: Making America even greater again, until it goes completely limp.

Doc Roccous: So let me get this straight. Your wife controls your physiology and your politics. She has a hand on both of your levers! Anything else we should know about?

Tom Montana: Not really, though she suggests we don't eat at any Mexican establishments but Taco Bell is ok as long as we use the drive-thru. Imported beer is pretty much out of the question and Ford will be our car brand of choice. And we're already planning a little honeymoon for this fall.

Ricki Yellco: I hear Hawaii is nice.

Doc Roccous: Maybe the Caribbean!

Tom Montana: We're all set on the Creation Museum and Ark Encounter in Kentucky. My wife's really interested in the 7 C's of history--Creation, Corruption, Catastrophe, Confusion, Christ, Cross, and Consummation. She just hopes the latter three exhibits are open when we get there.

Peter Sharman: Must have gotten the package deal-- marriage and lobotomy!